Hi Baby, I remember when I heard these songs and how they made me think of you and us. Sometimes I would listen and force myself to dance in that damn fire I talk about.
Can't say why, but sometimes I just wanted to feel the pain more clearly and I would think about it all, try to push myself to go deeper into it. I'd think about the kids we didn't get to have together and the life we weren't leading and wonder how I found myself in that place.
Wonder if maybe karma was biting me in the ass or if it was just random nonsense that had led me to live in hell because that is where I was. Sure, there were other things that happened that made it all worse but I didn't care because it felt like no matter what I did I kept getting sucked into more crap.
So I made myself get angry because the anger pushed the pain down and gave me energy to fight. Gave me motivation to go harder and push to climb out of the hole but I always knew it was temporary and that I would pay a stiff price for it.
I think that I lost a lot more hair during that time and that it hit my health. I didn't like being so angry all the time but it sustained me when it felt like nothing else would and so I went with it. Please try not to feel badly or hurt by this because I am not sharing it to make you feel badly. I am just letting go of every little piece I can.
You know I hold onto things and it takes time release it, but I think I am getting there.
And it is worth mentioning that things did start to turn before we connected again. And I figured out how to be happier and didn't let myself stay sad or angry constantly. I figured sooner or later I would hit that place again but I really didn't know how long it would take and I think that frustrated me a bit.
Somewhere along the way is when the bells started talking to me again. Somewhere during that time is when things started tingling and I started to really think about you and us again. It is kind of interesting to me, because I haven't really tried to pick it apart but I am beginning to now.
Mostly it is curiosity on my part.
Anyway, I know you'll ask when this happened and I can't give you a date. Might be a year, might be 18 months. Could be a bit longer or less, not completely sure.
It might have even been around when your father died, but somewhere during that time is really when I started to have more moments where I thought about you and thought you were thinking about me. I wasn't entirely sure where your head was, but sometimes I wondered if in the quiet of the night you were curious about me.
And I began to think that maybe you were more curious than wanted to admit and that you were making your lists and that you were trying to use those lists to stay angry with me because anger makes it easier to stay away.
Who knows. I don't want to focus on the negative because what I find so cool is that we have reconnected and fallen madly, passionately and deeply in love.
Don't argue. ;)
The last time we saw each other cemented it for me, not that I really questioned it because I didn't, but that moment when our legs touched each other in the booth I felt the charge and I thought, "this isn't just two lonely people."
I hadn't really thought like that before, to be clear.
But it is like we said, sometimes you wonder if memory is real or if things are better there than reality.
And I tend to think that now is better. Maybe it is because the reality is that we have had more time and the knowledge that we didn't have to cram it all in.
I remember the first time I ever made love to you I looked into your eyes and was lost, but lay there thinking, 'you have to last as long as possible because this might not happen again for a really long time.'
And I think that when two people have been through so much together and apart it helps to crystallize things so that you appreciate the moments more.
And I appreciate ours.
Maybe it is the whole you don't know what real love is until you have lost it or maybe it is something else, it doesn't really matter. In the grand scheme of things what is important is that we have each other and that we can have time together where we know we will stop the world.
Because the trust we have in each other isn't something you just find with anyone. It is rare and special and only fools would ignore that.
So remember that when I say I am taking this day by day I really am but my love for you is deeper and longer than that. And remember that though neither one of us may look the way we want to or perhaps even feel exactly as we wish we have something that can sustain us.
Each other.
Maybe it is a summer love. Maybe it is a year or maybe a life time.
Smart people won't worry about how long, they'll just enjoy it all as they can and we're not stupid.
Can't wait to see you.
MLBF
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