I am running with the moon again and trying hard to reel myself in because I can't keep this up, it is not healthy or smart.
I may be an old fat bastard but if I want to I can do this for far longer but I don't see the point. This constant anger isn't doing me any favors so I am reeling myself back in and asking questions.
Would I have been pissed off by those edits if they had made by someone else?
Maybe a bit, but not like this. This is all tied into her bullshit. It is not the first time someone edited my work in a way that I didn't like. It is part of being a writer, so much of this is subjective. Been doing this for long enough to know it but sometimes I forget.
It is because I hit the wall. Hit the place where my heart aches daily and I miss those little guys so very much that I think about buying a plane ticket or packing up the car.
But I remind myself about where I was and how bad that was and how dark it was. Pieces of it all linger inside the darker corners of my head and it makes me willing to dare people to challenge me because I know the demons that live inside my mind because I have looked at them.
I have forced them to confront me and accepted that I didn't win every fight I had, remind them that may be true but that I never forgot about the war and that was always the goal.
So I sit here and scream a bit because it is not true to say that I didn't come here for this. I swore that I would break it into pieces and that if I had to deal with this I would do so until I got beyond December. But while most people hate micromanagers I especially hate them and made a point to ask about that before I accepted the position.
It is a marathon. I have to gut it out. I have to. I apologize for being moody, but...
And here I am, having overcome many challenges, still fighting because the battles aren't over yet. And now I just have to keep going, so if you'll keep holding my hand I will keep holding yours.
One day it will be better again, probably sooner than later.
It is a bit after 8 and I have figured out that non dairy Frappucinos with an extra shot of Espresso don't like me much, kind of figured that was the case but I am a slow learner...sometimes.
Or maybe it is just my nature to push the limits again and again.
Anyway just want to follow up on the texts from earlier and take a chance that I am stirring up dust that has settled. Maybe yes, maybe no. I tend to believe it is ok and that is why I am doing it. Besides I think that one of the things that distinguishes us is our willingness to speak.
Can you imagine going back to a time where there is no "you and I." Can you really see a moment where we go our separate ways again.
Of course you can. It is not really a question of whether it is possible or not but a question of whether the thought seems ridiculous or not.
When I talk about day by day it is because it is how I view things from a practical standpoint. Makes no sense to me to do more than that, at least at this point in time. Might change in the future but I see nothing that makes me believe that is likely to happen at any time soon.
The time slip I referred to really seemed to me to be about a decade or so in the future, certainly not now. And while that might seem contradictory to my talking about day by day to me it isn't. I suppose it is because I am not trying to make plans for then, I am just thinking about what feels possible.
And that seems possible to me, that in our fifties we could decide to do something more. Doesn't mean we will, just that it is possible. Nothing to be concerned with now, just something that felt good and wanted to share.
Well sweet love of mine it is Friday night and I am still exhausted. A nap and two cups of coffee haven't been enough to remove the stains of the week and the strain of feeling like I was towing ten thousand pounds of crap behind me.
It was hard not seeing you today, but I am glad we will see each other soon because I can't wait to put my nose in your neck and smell my girl. It makes me happy to hold you and to be one person.
I hope you don't feel like all I have done is complain because that is tedious. Sometimes it feels to me like that is all I do and I hate that.
Life is certainly harder now than I like it to be but it is so much better than it was and it will get easier again.
I am listening to Latika's theme now and thinking about Slumdog Millionaire. The "heroes" go through hell and back but somehow they find each other and I think we have done that too. We have one of the all time great love stories and were people to hear it they would go nuts.
Some would hate and despise us but others would understand that sometimes things happen in ways that make little sense but ultimately work out very well. I am not trying to say what that means for our future because I have learned not to take those steps, one day at a time is the way to go.
Still I am willing to bet that part of you smiles at the idea of being married or at the very least living together. I know there is the question about 'honeymoon' periods and whether our time together is 'enhanced' because it is limited but I tend to think that we already went through our honeymoon phase.
It happened years ago and now in many ways we are like the old married couple but the spark between us is strong and experience makes me believe that this isn't the kind of thing that just goes away. We aren't together because of sex.
We are together because we like and love each other and that leads to sex because when you have the kind of deep connection we have you are compelled to make love to each other because words don't always show how you feel and the knowledge of what we can do to make each other feel good pushes us.
It is a good sort of push, a worthy push and well, right now I want to push my way in, all the way in.
Time for some Scotch and a movie, but before I go know that I love you and that saying it face to face always makes me smile. I love the way you melt and the smile in your voice. You are always sexy to me.
I hope you aren't trying to read this while I am writing because I want to surprise you with it, sort of.
You are not all that far away and I am wishing you were in my arms and that we could just talk because I would feel better and so would you.
I am really upset now, but you know that and you know that you have nothing to do with it. I just feel the frustration building and I decided I had to share it with you because your support means the world to me.
When I get like this I try to figure out what the root is so that I can find a way to fix things. It is like the whole dancing in the fire thing, I can do that when I need to. I can jump in the flames and burn but I have to know that there is an upside and when I did it for you I always knew there was.
But this situation is different because it ties into old feelings and shit that is out of my control and it infuriates me.
Sometimes I am so good about just letting go and taking it day by day and sometimes I am not. I told my dad a while back that my work experience made me feel like a general failure and he disagreed and told me I had bad luck.
That was awesome to hear and unexpected because the man I expected to show didn't appear. I expected him to tell me that sometimes life is hard and you have to suck it up and that is what I have always tried to do.
And I feel like I have paid such a severe price for trying to do the right thing, for trying to be a good dad. And I can fail in a million different ways and shrug it off, but not with them.
So I am writing you baby to vent and to try to release some of this because if I don't find a way to let some of this go it will go badly for me.
And though I know I can do this, there is still the small whisper that taunts me. It is such a contradiction. How can I be so confident and yet have this uncertainty.
Anyway, I am so very glad you are in my life because it makes such a difference.
Got lots to do but I want to share some songs I listened to during the break. Some you might like and some you might not, but these all had some kind of meaning to me.
The videos aren't necessarily important, just a way to share the music.
Just want you to know I can't wait for tomorrow and that I have no stress where you are concerned.
I am wound up pretty tight right now, but I know what the reasons are and I have a plan for dealing with most of it.
That is qualified because some of it can't be controlled and that is what I am trying to do. Instead of taking my own advice to manage it I am trying to wrap it in a giant bear hug and force it to do what I want and I can't make that happen.
It makes me a little sad because I have spent so much time these last few years feeling like no matter how hard I tried it didn't matter. I recognize that some of that is unfair and that much of what happened had and has nothing to do with me, but it is just how I am sometimes.
But I am doing my best to just let go and in many ways I have been successful with it, but not all.
Just remember love of my life that you really do make it better and that sometimes it may feel like I am not sharing things but I am not trying to hide them. I just don't talk about some of it much because when I can't do anything it makes me a bit crazy.
And you know that when someone says no to me I am inclined to prove them wrong.
Anyway, the point is that soon you'll be here and I'll be all smiles and snores....;)
I just walked back in to my place and decided that even though I am a giant ball of sweat I wanted to write you a giant love letter.
As I sit here looking out into space, thinking about things I have read and moments I have experienced I am overcome with a feeling like I must pass out. Maybe it is the heat, maybe it is alcohol or maybe it is you, the heat and the alcohol.
What I am certain of is that every time we are together I feel happy and a desire to always touch you. It is a mix of sexual lust and just plain need.
You are my best friend and have been for so long I can't remember when you weren't but then again, I can.
Part of what I find so interesting is how our bond is so powerful without our being present and yet magnified a thousand percent when we are together. Sometimes I hear concern in your voice about whether I am using you for sex and I wonder if you really fear that or if there is something more.
You talk about how things always change and I can't say they don't but I can say they don't have to be bad or negative changes either. Sometimes they are just different. Sometimes I go to bed and roll over to stare at the space you should be in and wonder what if.
What if it were like that all the time. What if you were always there. What if you were never there again. What if we had a couple more times to be together and that was it.
But when I close my eyes and look for answers my heart always tells my head to shush and to be. We have lived and loved for a lifetime already and we aren't done yet.
We can go deeper, be closer and fall further in love and we can do so because the word is fall, not step. We have limited free will here.
That's because we have already resumed loving each other with all of the fire and passion of the past but minus the frustration. It doesn't mean there aren't those moments where we wonder what the hell is wrong with you/I/each other because those never go away.
But we bounce back because it is just what we do.
I can't wait to see you again and to make love to you. Our love life is pretty damn good but my gut says it is only going to get better. We may not physically be what we once were but hell I think we are probably better because we know so much more and appreciate things in a way we never did.
I look forward to many more moments in time with you and promise to always do my best to be good to you and to make you feel loved.
Hi Baby,
I remember when I heard these songs and how they made me think of you and us. Sometimes I would listen and force myself to dance in that damn fire I talk about.
Can't say why, but sometimes I just wanted to feel the pain more clearly and I would think about it all, try to push myself to go deeper into it. I'd think about the kids we didn't get to have together and the life we weren't leading and wonder how I found myself in that place.
Wonder if maybe karma was biting me in the ass or if it was just random nonsense that had led me to live in hell because that is where I was. Sure, there were other things that happened that made it all worse but I didn't care because it felt like no matter what I did I kept getting sucked into more crap.
So I made myself get angry because the anger pushed the pain down and gave me energy to fight. Gave me motivation to go harder and push to climb out of the hole but I always knew it was temporary and that I would pay a stiff price for it.
I think that I lost a lot more hair during that time and that it hit my health. I didn't like being so angry all the time but it sustained me when it felt like nothing else would and so I went with it. Please try not to feel badly or hurt by this because I am not sharing it to make you feel badly. I am just letting go of every little piece I can.
You know I hold onto things and it takes time release it, but I think I am getting there.
And it is worth mentioning that things did start to turn before we connected again. And I figured out how to be happier and didn't let myself stay sad or angry constantly. I figured sooner or later I would hit that place again but I really didn't know how long it would take and I think that frustrated me a bit.
Somewhere along the way is when the bells started talking to me again. Somewhere during that time is when things started tingling and I started to really think about you and us again. It is kind of interesting to me, because I haven't really tried to pick it apart but I am beginning to now.
Mostly it is curiosity on my part.
Anyway, I know you'll ask when this happened and I can't give you a date. Might be a year, might be 18 months. Could be a bit longer or less, not completely sure.
It might have even been around when your father died, but somewhere during that time is really when I started to have more moments where I thought about you and thought you were thinking about me. I wasn't entirely sure where your head was, but sometimes I wondered if in the quiet of the night you were curious about me.
And I began to think that maybe you were more curious than wanted to admit and that you were making your lists and that you were trying to use those lists to stay angry with me because anger makes it easier to stay away.
Who knows. I don't want to focus on the negative because what I find so cool is that we have reconnected and fallen madly, passionately and deeply in love.
Don't argue. ;)
The last time we saw each other cemented it for me, not that I really questioned it because I didn't, but that moment when our legs touched each other in the booth I felt the charge and I thought, "this isn't just two lonely people."
I hadn't really thought like that before, to be clear.
But it is like we said, sometimes you wonder if memory is real or if things are better there than reality.
And I tend to think that now is better. Maybe it is because the reality is that we have had more time and the knowledge that we didn't have to cram it all in.
I remember the first time I ever made love to you I looked into your eyes and was lost, but lay there thinking, 'you have to last as long as possible because this might not happen again for a really long time.'
And I think that when two people have been through so much together and apart it helps to crystallize things so that you appreciate the moments more.
And I appreciate ours.
Maybe it is the whole you don't know what real love is until you have lost it or maybe it is something else, it doesn't really matter. In the grand scheme of things what is important is that we have each other and that we can have time together where we know we will stop the world.
Because the trust we have in each other isn't something you just find with anyone. It is rare and special and only fools would ignore that.
So remember that when I say I am taking this day by day I really am but my love for you is deeper and longer than that. And remember that though neither one of us may look the way we want to or perhaps even feel exactly as we wish we have something that can sustain us.
Each other.
Maybe it is a summer love. Maybe it is a year or maybe a life time.
Smart people won't worry about how long, they'll just enjoy it all as they can and we're not stupid.
Just turned on A New Beginning. Do you remember when I made that for you? I didn't know what I was going to write about and I saw the mix sitting there and thought it was appropriate because this is a new beginning for us.
This isn't as snarky as it sounds, but it was sweet of you to tell me that you missed me more than you realized. I don't know why I never stopped believing that, but I always did. I remember wondering what you would do if I showed up at your office and just kissed you.
It seemed ridiculous but part of me thought that maybe that is what I would have to do, grab you, pull you in and just kiss you. It was this feeling that one kiss would break the wall. But that night in the parking lot when you refused to kiss me, I knew.
You were stiff when you hugged me but you didn't push me away and then when I climbed into the car and played with your hair I could feel something and I knew that I could have forced the issue that night. If I pushed hard enough you would have kissed me, but I didn't want to give you any excuses.
So I tried to just bide my time and wait for a moment to get you naked.
But you know it is more than that because every time we are together there is a level of comfort that makes it clear that we are so much more than that. Doesn't mean that I am not working hard on bringing out the sex kitten that is slumbering inside you. She never died, she just got lost, you know directionally challenged and all.
Fortunately I know how to bring her back. I am going to make you shudder and wonder how you could ever forget just what kind of pleasure your body is capable of bringing you.
And I am going to remind you how good it is to be in love. It makes a huge difference in life and we will take all that we can get be it an hour, a day, a week or forever.
This is going to be an erotic post because I am going to get inside your head and make you think of what you are going to feel when we see each other next time.
Since you trust me completely you will give yourself to me and I will take you back to our kingdom and you my queen will be loved, cherished, adored and utterly satisfied by this moment in time.
When you look into my eyes and see your reflection and feel the love I have for you and remember who we are together you will fall that much further and love that much deeper and I will kiss the tears away.
And you will watch me in amazement and remember just as I do all that we have regained and there will be the kind of joy that words cannot express.
I am working on getting everything up to speed on the new unit and listening to music. Jim Croce is singing These Dreams and I am listening to the lyrics and smiling.
I don't know if the video work or not because I am pulling it straight from YouTube, but hope it does. There was a time when that song would come on and it would tug on my heart but it doesn't really do that anymore.
The reasons why should be obvious, but if not I can spell them out. I know there was a time quite recently when there was nothing between us but that already feels so very long ago.
Every time you ask me what I see in you I want to shake you because you know. When I talk about loving each other in spite of our imperfections it is because we are...imperfect.
And I love that.
It is not a religious thing to me, it is just reality. We have our shit and we deal with it. We just do because we do.
And it is something I haven't ever experienced before. I can't think of a time where I just shrugged my shoulders and said whatever. It doesn't mean we won't fight or get pissed off, frustrated or hurt because it will happen.
It has happened before and it will happen again but we just march through it because that is who we are together.
And as I have told you a million times, I wish things were different. I wish that some of it wasn't so damn hard but it is what it is and I won't walk away because there are some hiccups.
I love feeling your melt against me. I love the look in your eyes when I tell you I love you and the smile on your face when you hold my hand. I love the smile in your voice when you talk to me and how when you are upset you come looking for me.
And again I'll tell you that I think there is something more tied into everything. I can't explain it, won't try because I just can't and I don't see a reason to.
I don't see a reason to because I can't figure out how it would help. It is just one giant puzzle to me, a big maze and I figure if I have to wander through a maze why not do it with you.
And when I think about it, when I see us in my head I see us both as having reached a point where we were just unhappy and I see that cloud lifting because we are together.
Since I take it day by day I won't predict what will happen beyond the very near future but I am willing to say I think we help each other remember just how much joy there can be in life and that is a gift we should never ignore or take for granted.
