Well woman I am trying to write you but you keep texting me to ask what I am doing so maybe I should point you to this video and tell you about how it made me think of you. You have to watch at least up to the two minute mark.
Just turned on Bruce, listening to I'M on Fire and trying to relax. I don't do as good a job at this as I want to. I haven't always been wound so tight and so easily affected by stupid things, but I am working at it.
It is part of why I turn off my phone more frequently. I don't want to be the guy who can't put it down. That Pavlovian response irks me.
And right now so many things irk me I just need to focus on taking control of the things I can, where I can.
I missed you today. I really thought you were coming and sort of didn't do much because I expected you would be here. Not your fault at all, I know better than to believe government will move quickly but dammit, I really was hopeful.
It is 'cuz we never get enough time together. I am not saying that to put more pressure on you because it is not what I want, just sharing the thought. If nothing else this time here has answered some very big questions for me and I have more peace of mind than I did before.
I don't know that I agree with you about our reaching a point where we would get sick of each other. I think it is more about equilibrium. We ache to spend as much time together as we can get and if we had years without the craziness we have now we would still enjoy our time, but that crazy edge might not be as sharp.
To me it comes down to that we like each other. We still fight and get irritated but there is that thing inside that lets us go beyond the irritation. And the level of comfort makes making love incredible. That combination is deadly.
The point being I don't think we are based on sex or that is all we ever will be. The astrology works for us and it makes sense.
There is a yin and a yang here, we balance things out and I make your crazy less evident. ;)
Hee hee, love teasing my girl and I love you.
Visibility
Who Remembers
Hi Baby,
I know you don't understand the banter in the beginning or the words of the song, but I do and it fits. I had a title for this post but I can't remember it. It got lost somewhere and I am not sure where so I am just rambling.
I remember hearing these words and thinking
“I’ve been tryin’ to get to you for a long time
Because constantly you been on my mind
I was thinkin’ ’bout a shortcut I could take
But it seems like I made a mistake
I was wrong, mmm, I took too longBecause constantly you been on my mind
I was thinkin’ ’bout a shortcut I could take
But it seems like I made a mistake
I got caught in the rush hour
A fellow started to shower
You with love and affection
Now you won’t look in my direction”
Expressway To Your Heart- The Soul Survivors
about what to do and if I should do it. I have playlists that I listened to over and over while I thought about you and about us.
And I think about it now in amazement because it seems impossible to be in this place and in this situation. How did we ever find each other and figure out that we would work. How did we come to be and then get through all of the craziness we have been through.
Sometimes I would write and think that you would have no respect for me that you would think I had no self respect because I kept ignoring your "request" to let things lie and to just go away. Sometimes I would ask myself if maybe it was true and then I would force myself to let go and just walk.
I would and I did.
I let go and pushed away from the table but something always pulled me back. Something would happen and I would feel this giant hole where you used to be and the ache would make me crazy and I would say fuck it, I am going back in because I have to.
Thoughts would cross my mind about obligations and responsibilities and how maybe I wasn't living up to them and that I should make myself disappear no matter how hard it was but that noise in my head would get louder and I would feel you.
It didn't always happen. It wasn't an every time or every day thing but I knew you were thinking about me. I knew I was on your mind and I figured that you were making your own list of reasons to keep me away from you.
Because I just knew that if I had time alone with you something could happen and that it probably would. I had this crazy idea that I would show up at your office and make you kiss me. I remember thinking it was a good way to get arrested but that it might be necessary.
And then I would chastise myself for making life into a movie but we both know that movies come from life and that we are a prime example of it.
So here I am feeling like the big contradiction. Got a million thoughts floating through my head which is part of why I am trying to share them here so that you can see more about what is going on inside
Hard sometimes to see myself in the mirror and accept that I can't turn back the clock the way I want to. Sometimes I just don't care but there are other moments where I wonder if the complications in life must always be this way or if I make them happen.
It is so interesting to me to think about us and how comfortable we are and how it feels like we were never apart and have known each other our entire lives. Has there been a time where we weren't together. Even when we weren't and didn't know each other it feels to me like we always were.
Maybe we aren't who we once were, but maybe we are better now. Maybe we had to go through everything to have the deeper appreciation of how special we are. I don't know. I like to believe it to be true because it helps me make sense of things and I like them to make sense.
But then again they don't have to because life rarely does. Sometimes you have to just let go and see where it takes you.
I am just glad you are here with me.
And We're Back
Dear June,
Almost everything feels different to me than it did. It is surreal to have been gone for so long and then to be back now, not knowing exactly what I am doing.
When I think about us I can't help but smile. We are powerful, we are strong and I really think we are falling deeper and deeper. It is a mature love that feels so damn good.
I suspect you wonder if I have a gut feeling that I am not sharing with you but that is not the case. I feel a bit off kilter and I am not sure what is going to happen. This is new territory for me and I am trying to break it up into bite size pieces so that it feels a bit more comfortable.
That is because so much feels unknown to me. When I pull it apart so that I can try to see what the "right" thing to do is it all comes back to work first. Everything else grows/follows from that so I am trying to focus my efforts there and then work backwards.
All I am certain of is that if you hold my hand and walk with me I will share my thoughts and feelings with you.
In some ways nothing has changed, it is still a day-by-day thing. Just remember I love you very much.
Almost everything feels different to me than it did. It is surreal to have been gone for so long and then to be back now, not knowing exactly what I am doing.
When I think about us I can't help but smile. We are powerful, we are strong and I really think we are falling deeper and deeper. It is a mature love that feels so damn good.
I suspect you wonder if I have a gut feeling that I am not sharing with you but that is not the case. I feel a bit off kilter and I am not sure what is going to happen. This is new territory for me and I am trying to break it up into bite size pieces so that it feels a bit more comfortable.
That is because so much feels unknown to me. When I pull it apart so that I can try to see what the "right" thing to do is it all comes back to work first. Everything else grows/follows from that so I am trying to focus my efforts there and then work backwards.
All I am certain of is that if you hold my hand and walk with me I will share my thoughts and feelings with you.
In some ways nothing has changed, it is still a day-by-day thing. Just remember I love you very much.
Thinking About You
Jammed for time, but didn't want you to think I had forgotten you. Got lots of people around so privacy is at a minimum, but will try to get something for you soon.
Hi Woman
Hi Junebug,
Got my second glass of Kahlua and coke in my hand and my head is still buzzing, wired isn't accurate.
It happens to me sometimes, I get that crazy feeling and I fight to slow the world down and stop it for just a moment. I fight because I feel like if I concentrate hard enough I can use my will, the Force or something and it works.
Kind of reminds me of that feeling I get when I hold my breath underwater, open my eyes and look around. Maybe it is tied into that feeling I get sometimes where I know that I am good, really good at some things but not great.
And these moments flip back and forth between my wondering if I should care or if maybe it is a rationalization for not being good enough. Yet I always come back to the place where I shrug my shoulders and figure that somehow I will come out on top.
Don't ask what it means because I don't exactly know other than to say that my heart has always told me that I will reach a place where I have peace of mind and feel good about life. It is not that I feel miserable now because I don't but when you have been riding this crazy seesaw for as long as I have it is harder to feel balanced.
Sometimes I sit and hold my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop and then I wonder why I would do that to myself. You know I have no greater critic than myself, but maybe it is because I have always felt like I am the answer to all of my questions.
Maybe it is because I figure that somewhere inside this empty chamber inside my head is something that will help me relax and just roll with things. A lot of time I do a pretty good job of it, but sometimes I lose sight of land and start fighting.
And it makes me ask why I seem to swing from being nonchalant to this other place. Maybe it is just a matter of feeling like I have my own place and enough cash to feel comfortable. Maybe it is that simple.
Guess I'll have to keep pushing to reach that place so I can figure out if that does it or if this crazy man is always going to be running around.
Either way, I love and cherish having you in my life.
Got my second glass of Kahlua and coke in my hand and my head is still buzzing, wired isn't accurate.
It happens to me sometimes, I get that crazy feeling and I fight to slow the world down and stop it for just a moment. I fight because I feel like if I concentrate hard enough I can use my will, the Force or something and it works.
Kind of reminds me of that feeling I get when I hold my breath underwater, open my eyes and look around. Maybe it is tied into that feeling I get sometimes where I know that I am good, really good at some things but not great.
And these moments flip back and forth between my wondering if I should care or if maybe it is a rationalization for not being good enough. Yet I always come back to the place where I shrug my shoulders and figure that somehow I will come out on top.
Don't ask what it means because I don't exactly know other than to say that my heart has always told me that I will reach a place where I have peace of mind and feel good about life. It is not that I feel miserable now because I don't but when you have been riding this crazy seesaw for as long as I have it is harder to feel balanced.
Sometimes I sit and hold my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop and then I wonder why I would do that to myself. You know I have no greater critic than myself, but maybe it is because I have always felt like I am the answer to all of my questions.
Maybe it is because I figure that somewhere inside this empty chamber inside my head is something that will help me relax and just roll with things. A lot of time I do a pretty good job of it, but sometimes I lose sight of land and start fighting.
And it makes me ask why I seem to swing from being nonchalant to this other place. Maybe it is just a matter of feeling like I have my own place and enough cash to feel comfortable. Maybe it is that simple.
Guess I'll have to keep pushing to reach that place so I can figure out if that does it or if this crazy man is always going to be running around.
Either way, I love and cherish having you in my life.
Blurring The Lines
Dear Sweet Juneleh,
I want you to remember that I moved heaven and earth to get to you. I did it because I said I would and I followed through. I am working hard to do it again but I really don't know what will happen.
Please don't take that to mean that there is a clock counting down the days because the focal point is not to change anything except the current place I hang my hat. I can't promise it won't be a huge change but I can promise that I am working hard to minimize it.
And I can tell you with complete certainty that after having been through hell and back together we can deal with whatever comes.
I know you just read that to mean that I am gone and that is not what I am saying. Just sharing some thoughts.
You know that I have some major things coming down the pipeline and that it occupies my mind. I wonder and worry about how to pay. But in some respects that plays into our hands because it costs a lot to make big moves and a cross town one is more economical and in many ways more likely.
If we both take a deep breath we also know that I am at the beginning stages here and that lack of response is not indicative of much. It is summer time and that impacts processes, slows them down. But it doesn't mean that can't change quickly.
What frustrates me the most right now is that some apps take forever to fill out because they were built by blind monkeys who never tried using them. It is tedious to fill out and fix everything ten times. I do it because it has to be done, but fuck...
Anyway, you know you are still my air and that when I hold on to something I don't let go easily. So trust in us and trust in the time we have as if there is no significant change at all.
I don't want us to get into stupid disagreements because we are nervous about something that might not happen. We'll take it day by day as we have always said.
Just hold my hand and be my girl.
I love you.
I want you to remember that I moved heaven and earth to get to you. I did it because I said I would and I followed through. I am working hard to do it again but I really don't know what will happen.
Please don't take that to mean that there is a clock counting down the days because the focal point is not to change anything except the current place I hang my hat. I can't promise it won't be a huge change but I can promise that I am working hard to minimize it.
And I can tell you with complete certainty that after having been through hell and back together we can deal with whatever comes.
I know you just read that to mean that I am gone and that is not what I am saying. Just sharing some thoughts.
You know that I have some major things coming down the pipeline and that it occupies my mind. I wonder and worry about how to pay. But in some respects that plays into our hands because it costs a lot to make big moves and a cross town one is more economical and in many ways more likely.
If we both take a deep breath we also know that I am at the beginning stages here and that lack of response is not indicative of much. It is summer time and that impacts processes, slows them down. But it doesn't mean that can't change quickly.
What frustrates me the most right now is that some apps take forever to fill out because they were built by blind monkeys who never tried using them. It is tedious to fill out and fix everything ten times. I do it because it has to be done, but fuck...
Anyway, you know you are still my air and that when I hold on to something I don't let go easily. So trust in us and trust in the time we have as if there is no significant change at all.
I don't want us to get into stupid disagreements because we are nervous about something that might not happen. We'll take it day by day as we have always said.
Just hold my hand and be my girl.
I love you.
Untitled
Well Babeleh,
I am dealing with the roller coaster nature of this change now and momentarily down so I thought I'd write you a note.
I feel like I have a sled attached to me and I am dragging 20,000 pounds through the snow. I never stop trying or give up, but I am constantly exhausted and working hard not to berate myself for not being better, more than I am because there is no point or use in doing that.
Yet I am who I am and if I deny that side it comes back in other ways so I try to let it enter and pass through, just accept the guilt I feel for not being who I expected to be, or who I think I should.
I keep thinking about Ray Charles and Johnny Cash. Two of my favorite artists who went through hell and were still very successful. I am not saying that I am them nor do I have any need to riddle myself with drugs so there is that.
But this is hard, so very hard because it is too familiar. It feels like I get so close to fixing things and turning it around and then something happens and I have to ask how. Have to wonder what happened and pick it apart to try not to make the same mistake again.
And when I do I determine that it is not all me, that it has never been all me but dammit, shit happened again.
Psychic said that I would go through hell and that I would ultimately be very successful. It is the kind of obscure bullshit that you can say and not worry about being right or wrong, but at the moment I am holding on to it.
I figure it doesn't really hurt me. It doesn't mean that I can sit on my ass and do nothing nor does it mean that anything will just be handed to me.
But even if it is bullshit sometimes we need something to hold on to and if that gives me enough to tread water a bit longer, well than that is ok with me.
Haven't showered or eaten lunch yet, almost 3. But did manage to get some exercise in and have done some work so it is not a complete waste.
I am dealing with the roller coaster nature of this change now and momentarily down so I thought I'd write you a note.
I feel like I have a sled attached to me and I am dragging 20,000 pounds through the snow. I never stop trying or give up, but I am constantly exhausted and working hard not to berate myself for not being better, more than I am because there is no point or use in doing that.
Yet I am who I am and if I deny that side it comes back in other ways so I try to let it enter and pass through, just accept the guilt I feel for not being who I expected to be, or who I think I should.
I keep thinking about Ray Charles and Johnny Cash. Two of my favorite artists who went through hell and were still very successful. I am not saying that I am them nor do I have any need to riddle myself with drugs so there is that.
But this is hard, so very hard because it is too familiar. It feels like I get so close to fixing things and turning it around and then something happens and I have to ask how. Have to wonder what happened and pick it apart to try not to make the same mistake again.
And when I do I determine that it is not all me, that it has never been all me but dammit, shit happened again.
Psychic said that I would go through hell and that I would ultimately be very successful. It is the kind of obscure bullshit that you can say and not worry about being right or wrong, but at the moment I am holding on to it.
I figure it doesn't really hurt me. It doesn't mean that I can sit on my ass and do nothing nor does it mean that anything will just be handed to me.
But even if it is bullshit sometimes we need something to hold on to and if that gives me enough to tread water a bit longer, well than that is ok with me.
Haven't showered or eaten lunch yet, almost 3. But did manage to get some exercise in and have done some work so it is not a complete waste.
Reflections of My Life
Dearest Juneleh,
Do you feel like the odds are stacked against us? Do you think our timing sucks? Do you wonder and worry about what to do now and how to do it?
Should I be worried about you trying to run away? Should I wonder if you are going to try to build some space to protect your heart?
I don't really think you will because it is too late, we are committed to each other in one way or another we crossed and blurred the lines a million different ways.
You are right about there being a certain amount of pressure being placed upon me, but it is to find work and not to go racing back. The reality is that this makes life more challenging in many ways and that it makes it harder in some ways to convince people that life can and should be built here.
But that doesn't mean that it is impossible or that it won't happen. Much depends on what the next chunk of time brings because it is the timing that makes this particularly onerous and awful. And it means that whatever I get here is going to be scrutinized that much more closely.
Still it doesn't preclude anything from happening because one good job can change it all. A steady paycheck goes a long way to fixing things and even if the decision was that this is not the place to be I wouldn't just jump without something else, can't.
And frankly that won't be asked of me.
I guess this is why I have always said we need to take it one day at a time and see what happens.
And I would add that given our past we have every reason to believe in us. Can't say for certain what that means other than if you love me you need to just hold on to me and walk for a while. Walk the road and figure out what the hell this means.
And while we have the time we are certain of we can make it last and create the memories we always dreamed about making.
The best part of all this is that I know it has confirmed what I always believed. Some people might not be able to handle being handed a dream with the knowledge that it could be taken away, but that is not how I look at it.
It is a gift and it is up to us to figure out what we will make of it. Like I said, I don't know what will happen. I know what I am trying to make happen, but even a man with no humility and lots of bravado knows that he can only do so much.
That devil can wear that bag on his head for all I care.
You know I love you and have loved you for since before we met, I just didn't know your name then.
Do you feel like the odds are stacked against us? Do you think our timing sucks? Do you wonder and worry about what to do now and how to do it?
Should I be worried about you trying to run away? Should I wonder if you are going to try to build some space to protect your heart?
I don't really think you will because it is too late, we are committed to each other in one way or another we crossed and blurred the lines a million different ways.
You are right about there being a certain amount of pressure being placed upon me, but it is to find work and not to go racing back. The reality is that this makes life more challenging in many ways and that it makes it harder in some ways to convince people that life can and should be built here.
But that doesn't mean that it is impossible or that it won't happen. Much depends on what the next chunk of time brings because it is the timing that makes this particularly onerous and awful. And it means that whatever I get here is going to be scrutinized that much more closely.
Still it doesn't preclude anything from happening because one good job can change it all. A steady paycheck goes a long way to fixing things and even if the decision was that this is not the place to be I wouldn't just jump without something else, can't.
And frankly that won't be asked of me.
I guess this is why I have always said we need to take it one day at a time and see what happens.
And I would add that given our past we have every reason to believe in us. Can't say for certain what that means other than if you love me you need to just hold on to me and walk for a while. Walk the road and figure out what the hell this means.
And while we have the time we are certain of we can make it last and create the memories we always dreamed about making.
The best part of all this is that I know it has confirmed what I always believed. Some people might not be able to handle being handed a dream with the knowledge that it could be taken away, but that is not how I look at it.
It is a gift and it is up to us to figure out what we will make of it. Like I said, I don't know what will happen. I know what I am trying to make happen, but even a man with no humility and lots of bravado knows that he can only do so much.
That devil can wear that bag on his head for all I care.
You know I love you and have loved you for since before we met, I just didn't know your name then.
Ain't That A Kick In The Pants
Dear Juneleh,
I am not entirely certain what to say or do right now. What happened was wrong, it was awful and unfair. I was blindsided and it obviously has made things a bit crazier than they were.
But I want you know that you are very important to me and that I love you. I don't want you to freak out or worry about what might happen because no one really knows.
I am hunkering down a little bit now and am more silent but am not really talking to anyone, including myself. What that means is I feel like I have spent the last week or so holding my breath at the office and now I am trying to breathe.
And I am trying not to freak out, scream, cry or lie on the floor laughing at how ridiculous this all is. Most of all I am trying to just live with less stress for a day or two because that is coming. That black hole is trying to suck me back in and it is going to take a lot for me not to fall in.
But I want you to know I am not ignoring you. If I don't respond immediately to a text don't think the worst. If I say I am getting rid of boxes, don't think the worst. If I don't respond to an email, don't think the worst.
And here is why:
You have started to email me at two different addresses. I might not immediately notice that. I might be responding to you at one and not at the other cuz I didn't see it or I got caught up responding at the other.
If I am on the phone I may not notice your text until I put the phone down. When I don't use my headset I have that puppy against my ear. Sometimes when I put it down I don't see it flashing.
Texting makes us want/expect instant replies and sometimes we get crazy when that doesnt happen. But if it is 20 minutes or an hour between it doesn't mean anything is wrong.
When I say I am getting rid of stuff it is not because I am loading my car, it is because I have too much junk here. A few years back I decided to try harder to live with less. I am not great about it, but I am working at it.
And when you live with less you have less clutter. There are two places in my home now that feel cluttered to me so I am trying to fix that.
The point baby is that I will keep you posted the entire way. And I will talk with you about all of this too. My focus is on staying. It makes sense to me.
I do better talking about it with you, and by that I mean actually talking. But sometimes I have to shut it down because if I don't all I hear are echoes in my head and it makes me crazy. It fuels this fire inside and that negative energy hurts.
I am trying to figure it all out. I hate seeing you in pain over this. It makes me feel guilty and I don;t want that for you.
So I am just working through it day by day, moment by moment.
And I am asking you to remember that we never expected this and look what happened. The magic isn't gone. This is just part of the process and if we stay calm we'll work through it together. We have been to hell and back, we can do this.
I love you.
I am not entirely certain what to say or do right now. What happened was wrong, it was awful and unfair. I was blindsided and it obviously has made things a bit crazier than they were.
But I want you know that you are very important to me and that I love you. I don't want you to freak out or worry about what might happen because no one really knows.
I am hunkering down a little bit now and am more silent but am not really talking to anyone, including myself. What that means is I feel like I have spent the last week or so holding my breath at the office and now I am trying to breathe.
And I am trying not to freak out, scream, cry or lie on the floor laughing at how ridiculous this all is. Most of all I am trying to just live with less stress for a day or two because that is coming. That black hole is trying to suck me back in and it is going to take a lot for me not to fall in.
But I want you to know I am not ignoring you. If I don't respond immediately to a text don't think the worst. If I say I am getting rid of boxes, don't think the worst. If I don't respond to an email, don't think the worst.
And here is why:
You have started to email me at two different addresses. I might not immediately notice that. I might be responding to you at one and not at the other cuz I didn't see it or I got caught up responding at the other.
If I am on the phone I may not notice your text until I put the phone down. When I don't use my headset I have that puppy against my ear. Sometimes when I put it down I don't see it flashing.
Texting makes us want/expect instant replies and sometimes we get crazy when that doesnt happen. But if it is 20 minutes or an hour between it doesn't mean anything is wrong.
When I say I am getting rid of stuff it is not because I am loading my car, it is because I have too much junk here. A few years back I decided to try harder to live with less. I am not great about it, but I am working at it.
And when you live with less you have less clutter. There are two places in my home now that feel cluttered to me so I am trying to fix that.
The point baby is that I will keep you posted the entire way. And I will talk with you about all of this too. My focus is on staying. It makes sense to me.
I do better talking about it with you, and by that I mean actually talking. But sometimes I have to shut it down because if I don't all I hear are echoes in my head and it makes me crazy. It fuels this fire inside and that negative energy hurts.
I am trying to figure it all out. I hate seeing you in pain over this. It makes me feel guilty and I don;t want that for you.
So I am just working through it day by day, moment by moment.
And I am asking you to remember that we never expected this and look what happened. The magic isn't gone. This is just part of the process and if we stay calm we'll work through it together. We have been to hell and back, we can do this.
I love you.
In the Fields
Dear Baby,
I am running with the moon again and trying hard to reel myself in because I can't keep this up, it is not healthy or smart.
I may be an old fat bastard but if I want to I can do this for far longer but I don't see the point. This constant anger isn't doing me any favors so I am reeling myself back in and asking questions.
Would I have been pissed off by those edits if they had made by someone else?
Maybe a bit, but not like this. This is all tied into her bullshit. It is not the first time someone edited my work in a way that I didn't like. It is part of being a writer, so much of this is subjective. Been doing this for long enough to know it but sometimes I forget.
It is because I hit the wall. Hit the place where my heart aches daily and I miss those little guys so very much that I think about buying a plane ticket or packing up the car.
But I remind myself about where I was and how bad that was and how dark it was. Pieces of it all linger inside the darker corners of my head and it makes me willing to dare people to challenge me because I know the demons that live inside my mind because I have looked at them.
I have forced them to confront me and accepted that I didn't win every fight I had, remind them that may be true but that I never forgot about the war and that was always the goal.
So I sit here and scream a bit because it is not true to say that I didn't come here for this. I swore that I would break it into pieces and that if I had to deal with this I would do so until I got beyond December. But while most people hate micromanagers I especially hate them and made a point to ask about that before I accepted the position.
It is a marathon. I have to gut it out. I have to. I apologize for being moody, but...
And here I am, having overcome many challenges, still fighting because the battles aren't over yet. And now I just have to keep going, so if you'll keep holding my hand I will keep holding yours.
One day it will be better again, probably sooner than later.
I am running with the moon again and trying hard to reel myself in because I can't keep this up, it is not healthy or smart.
I may be an old fat bastard but if I want to I can do this for far longer but I don't see the point. This constant anger isn't doing me any favors so I am reeling myself back in and asking questions.
Would I have been pissed off by those edits if they had made by someone else?
Maybe a bit, but not like this. This is all tied into her bullshit. It is not the first time someone edited my work in a way that I didn't like. It is part of being a writer, so much of this is subjective. Been doing this for long enough to know it but sometimes I forget.
It is because I hit the wall. Hit the place where my heart aches daily and I miss those little guys so very much that I think about buying a plane ticket or packing up the car.
But I remind myself about where I was and how bad that was and how dark it was. Pieces of it all linger inside the darker corners of my head and it makes me willing to dare people to challenge me because I know the demons that live inside my mind because I have looked at them.
I have forced them to confront me and accepted that I didn't win every fight I had, remind them that may be true but that I never forgot about the war and that was always the goal.
So I sit here and scream a bit because it is not true to say that I didn't come here for this. I swore that I would break it into pieces and that if I had to deal with this I would do so until I got beyond December. But while most people hate micromanagers I especially hate them and made a point to ask about that before I accepted the position.
It is a marathon. I have to gut it out. I have to. I apologize for being moody, but...
And here I am, having overcome many challenges, still fighting because the battles aren't over yet. And now I just have to keep going, so if you'll keep holding my hand I will keep holding yours.
One day it will be better again, probably sooner than later.
