“In one of those stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be
laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you
look at the sky at night. And when your sorrow is comforted (time
soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You
will always be my friend…I shall not leave you.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
Dear Juneleh,
Had such a good time with you the other day and it reminds me about how I don't think we fight as much as it might feel. Do we argue and bicker?
Yeah, we do but I really believe that is temporary and tied into the frustration we feel when we aren't together. It doesn't mean it is always like that or always be like that. We just need to focus on the good points and remember who we really are for each other.
Just listened to Changes In Latitude by Jimmy Buffett and The One By Elton John and couldn't help but smile, your face comes to mind.
And dear one I do know what you need. That is not me being snarky or trying to suggest some sort of sex act because in this moment I am sincere and serious. You need to feel loved, secure, supported and confident that you are valued, validated and not the only one you can trust to take care of things.
I can't take care of all those items right now and I won't tell you that I can one day because you want more specifics. So let's say that for now I can give you arms to lie back in, a shoulder to rest your head on and someone to listen to your concerns.
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Visibility
Crazy Days
Bob Seger is singing We've Got Tonight and my heart is in my throat. Sometimes the pain feels so very intense that I wonder what the fuck I am doing. Wonder if I am the world's biggest idiot and I stare off into space trying to make sense of it all.
But when I take a deep breath and think through it all I know that right now I haven't any good choices and that sooner or later I have to deal with some things so I am trying to go do that so that I can heal the parts and pieces of me that are broken.
I guess part of what makes me crazy is that leaving is going to break others and part of me is worried that time and distance will make it harder for you to hold on and remember all that we are. Part of me worries you'll shut down but then there is this this other part that has complete faith and points out how much we overcame to get to this place.
It is not ridiculous to think about or consider because it just makes sense to go with it. It just makes sense to look at the last year or so and think about how much had to happen to get us to this place. It didn't happen in just one place or with one person, it happened in multiples and if that is the case there is no reason not to believe this is just one piece of a big puzzle and that if we hold onto each other we can figure it out.
The hard part is that we get a bit crazy without each other and that time in person always smooths the edges. But when you know what you want and who you want it with you figure out how to make it happen and you learn how to float during the time apart so that when you reconnect you laugh because it feels like that time apart never happened.
But when I take a deep breath and think through it all I know that right now I haven't any good choices and that sooner or later I have to deal with some things so I am trying to go do that so that I can heal the parts and pieces of me that are broken.
I guess part of what makes me crazy is that leaving is going to break others and part of me is worried that time and distance will make it harder for you to hold on and remember all that we are. Part of me worries you'll shut down but then there is this this other part that has complete faith and points out how much we overcame to get to this place.
It is not ridiculous to think about or consider because it just makes sense to go with it. It just makes sense to look at the last year or so and think about how much had to happen to get us to this place. It didn't happen in just one place or with one person, it happened in multiples and if that is the case there is no reason not to believe this is just one piece of a big puzzle and that if we hold onto each other we can figure it out.
The hard part is that we get a bit crazy without each other and that time in person always smooths the edges. But when you know what you want and who you want it with you figure out how to make it happen and you learn how to float during the time apart so that when you reconnect you laugh because it feels like that time apart never happened.
Now And Then
I understand why you are looking at now and then. I understand why you are comparing and how you are trying to make sense of it all and all I can do is hold out my arms open wide.
Ask me again to tell you about the time we shared I'll repeat:
"This is where I moved from the past and opened the future."
It hurts to do this, hurts more than you know and more than I can properly articulate. Hurts not because I have gotten used to things but because it feels like someone is taking away a part of me, feels like the hollow hole is being filled with fire.
And though there are things to look forward to that will come along with this it doesn't take that pain away. It is not a substitute for what I have to give up.
But I have to go with my instinct and intuition. Have to say this is all part of something because it is what I feel and believe. Have to say this is happening because I have things I have to take care of and like Rick says to Ilsa
But you need to remember that what happened in the old days is not the marker of what happens today. That really was a different time and we have proven that if we hold onto each other we can bend the world to our will.
Just have faith and believe in our love.
Ask me again to tell you about the time we shared I'll repeat:
"This is where I moved from the past and opened the future."
It hurts to do this, hurts more than you know and more than I can properly articulate. Hurts not because I have gotten used to things but because it feels like someone is taking away a part of me, feels like the hollow hole is being filled with fire.
And though there are things to look forward to that will come along with this it doesn't take that pain away. It is not a substitute for what I have to give up.
But I have to go with my instinct and intuition. Have to say this is all part of something because it is what I feel and believe. Have to say this is happening because I have things I have to take care of and like Rick says to Ilsa
Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. IlsaBut this isn't identical because there will be time for us. This is just the moment where I have to take care of the loose ends that are out there because if I don't they really will haunt me. I can't relax and ignore them.
But you need to remember that what happened in the old days is not the marker of what happens today. That really was a different time and we have proven that if we hold onto each other we can bend the world to our will.
Just have faith and believe in our love.
Hold On To Me
Baby,
I know this is hard for you and want to remind you that it is no cake walk for me either. It is really fucking hard but it has to be done and if you look at my history I always do what has to be done.
Might not do it exactly the way some people want or think I should, but I do what has to be done because sometimes that is what life requires.
It was never a social experiment, don't twist my words, you know better. You know I love you.
If you want to view life solely in here and now terms than this really sucks and we have to consider making harder decisions. Or if you want to look at it a different way consider this could easily be a blip, just a short moment in time and it is the transition period.
Can't say exactly when I'll be back but what is different from before is then I didn't have a built in reason to come and now I do.
The Roller Coaster
Hi Baby, I kind of like that song, it has sort of a Soul Train feel to it. Speaking of feelings I am guessing you feel torn like I do now.
I am not sure how I feel. Part of me is thrilled and excited, haven't seen those little buggers in two months and that has been hard. Don't need to list the how and why of it because we both know those details and now what we don't know is what comes next.
You might be surprised to learn that right now nothing feels like home to me. I feel a bit like a man without a state and that surprises me. Never thought it could feel like this, or be this way, but it is.
I am torn because I love you more than words can express and I have loved being so close. Even when we have been busy it is reassuring to know that we are only a car ride away and now that looks like it is changing.
Changing not because I want it to, but because for the time being it is probably the smart move for the kids. We have always focused on them, said they come first and that is how I have to look at this.
But you should know it hurts writing these things, thinking about increasing the physical distance. I don't like it, don't want to do it but I am leaning towards it. Leaning towards it because I need to be present for them and I need them too.
They occupy a different piece of my heart than you, but they have it.
Still in the midst of all this there are some things that jump out at me.
Our history. We did the unexpected and figured things out and I have complete faith that we can do it again. We have much influence on how this all goes and in some ways it doesn't hurt to have the time. It gives you a chance to have any focus on your weekends adjusted.
And I still don't have all the details about the mechanics of how this would work for me. I need to find out more so that I understand it and to confirm that everything is as I think.
So I guess what I am saying is that if you are willing to keep holding my hand and to keep walking with me we'll figure out how it goes and adjust.
Just remember that I have never stopped loving you.
The Next Chapter or Is it The same Chapter
Hi Juneleh,
I know sometimes you come here and wonder why I haven't updated it. I know you question things and wonder what to do and how to do it and ask yourself where my head is at.
And I want you to know that my feelings are no different. I don't just love you, I fucking love you.
Given the recent developments here I still don't know what they will lead to. I have some ideas, but I don't know for certain and that makes me as crazy as you already are. ;)
It is hard for all of the obvious reasons and I am doing the best I can. I feel better now that things have started but am still wired because there is a lot going on and until I get some of these things resolved I can't answer some of the other bigger questions.
But never forget that when you are thinking about me I am thinking about you. And don't forget that I don't really care about our differences. I think those are ultimately good things, if we agreed about everything life would be boring.
I don't worry about fighting with you. Really don't think we do that much, we have our moments and most of it is due to circumstances. Those might last for a bit, but they won't last forever and maybe one day we'll get a chance to see what that life together on a daily basis is like. Who knows.
Just wanted to remind you that even if I don't update this daily it doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about you. I love you and you are my girl.
I know sometimes you come here and wonder why I haven't updated it. I know you question things and wonder what to do and how to do it and ask yourself where my head is at.
And I want you to know that my feelings are no different. I don't just love you, I fucking love you.
Given the recent developments here I still don't know what they will lead to. I have some ideas, but I don't know for certain and that makes me as crazy as you already are. ;)
It is hard for all of the obvious reasons and I am doing the best I can. I feel better now that things have started but am still wired because there is a lot going on and until I get some of these things resolved I can't answer some of the other bigger questions.
But never forget that when you are thinking about me I am thinking about you. And don't forget that I don't really care about our differences. I think those are ultimately good things, if we agreed about everything life would be boring.
I don't worry about fighting with you. Really don't think we do that much, we have our moments and most of it is due to circumstances. Those might last for a bit, but they won't last forever and maybe one day we'll get a chance to see what that life together on a daily basis is like. Who knows.
Just wanted to remind you that even if I don't update this daily it doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about you. I love you and you are my girl.
Thursday Night
Dear June,
Every time I hear this song I think of you and wonder about what life might have been like had we met a thousand years ago. Ok, I don't mean that literally but sometimes I think about the days when we were completely free as being a millenia ago
It is not with sadness that I think about it, just curiosity. Curious because our experiences have made us who we are today but I think about our core and wonder when that was formed and if that is where our hearts hang out together.
I don't really know and I don't worry about it, but it is fun to think of. I like to think that if we had met and spent real time talking we would have recognized whatever spark exists between us and chased after it. I like to think it would have been so powerful we couldn't have done anything different, but who knows.
Ultimately it doesn't matter and all we have is what we have been through and what we do from this moment forward. That is ok, it is how life works.
I know it sounds all woo woo, but the more I think about it the more I am convinced this last year is meant to be. It didn't happen by itself and free will has been a huge part of it but the choices we made all led to where we are today and I think it is a better place overall than where we were.
It is tangible proof that all we once thought and dreamed about was more than just fantasy and that is significant and meaningful. It is proof that all the time we invested in each other wasn't wasted.
That is worth something.
No one can say with any certainty where life will take us or how things will end up but I am convinced that we have created a stronger foundation than we ever had and set something up so that if we choose to we can move ahead.
I am intentionally being vague about that because there are so many unknowns and sometimes you can't solve for X but that doesn't mean the equation lies unanswered forever. Sometimes it just means you have to spend more time studying the problem so that one day you see what was unseen and solve the problem that had once seemed impossible.
MLBF baby.
A Few Words
Dear Juneleh,
Just want to remind you again that I love, love, love, love you. Sometimes the simple things are the best. I like thinking about quiet moments with you, watching movies, holding hands and just spending time with you.
I like the feeling of your body next to mine and the touch of our lips. I like knowing I can be one person with you, that I have a girl who will listen to all I have to say and open her heart completely.
I like the look in your eyes when you are happy, sad, angry and glad. Happy is always better, but the others work because they are you and I love, love, love, love you.
Just want to remind you again that I love, love, love, love you. Sometimes the simple things are the best. I like thinking about quiet moments with you, watching movies, holding hands and just spending time with you.
I like the feeling of your body next to mine and the touch of our lips. I like knowing I can be one person with you, that I have a girl who will listen to all I have to say and open her heart completely.
I like the look in your eyes when you are happy, sad, angry and glad. Happy is always better, but the others work because they are you and I love, love, love, love you.
Here We Go
Dear Juneleh,
Here we go into the New Year and I am feeling a bit crazed. Not unusual or surprising given the circumstances, doing my best to just go with it. I am good at swimming against the tide, done it for years but doesn't mean it doesn't get tiring.
Got flu shot the other day and my arm sort of aches, noticed it yesterday when I was at the gym and was irritated. Back is is a bit sore today too, kind of knotted up. Nothing I am really worried about, but it is irritating, one of those getting older things I think.
Most of the time I don't mind getting older so much but some of the things that come with it chafe my skin. Not thrilled about the mystery aches, the change in metabolism and hairline. Been saying this crap for years and haven't ever taken the time to deal with them the way I could, talk a good game but...
Spent part of this morning cooking boneless chicken breast, not necessarily the most spiritual thing but it had to be done. Done a lot of had to be done lately which is probably why I said fuck it and bought my tablet yesterday.
Thus far I love it, LOVE IT.
Probably tied into my stress because technically I should have waited but then again technically I don't know what tomorrow will bring and sometimes you just have to live. Some might argue you just have to love and live. That is what I am trying to do, love and live.
Most of the time that works very well for me. I am good at it, but every now and then I get a bit frustrated that I can't just do what I want. Can't just take my woman and spend time with her and just live. Can't just live the way I want because I have to account for so many others.
Won't stop me from loving you or taking advantage of the time we have. Won't see me rationalizing things by saying it helps keep things special between us because that only goes so far with me. I am sure it does help some but it is not the motor.
That is not what helps our relationship live, thrive and grow. Never has been.
You and I are the same and so very different. That is good. It is a big part of what helps us and keeps us going. Provides a bit of spice, some passion and balance.
What I know for certain is nothing and everything. I see things in you that you can't see and I expect you see me the same way. We let each other get away with things no one else can and it is not something either of us can really explain.
Nor should we be able to.
Isn't that part of the magic, not really being able to describe things.
I just know every time I kiss you if I open my eyes I see you looking back at me and we just know.
Here we go into the New Year and I am feeling a bit crazed. Not unusual or surprising given the circumstances, doing my best to just go with it. I am good at swimming against the tide, done it for years but doesn't mean it doesn't get tiring.
Got flu shot the other day and my arm sort of aches, noticed it yesterday when I was at the gym and was irritated. Back is is a bit sore today too, kind of knotted up. Nothing I am really worried about, but it is irritating, one of those getting older things I think.
Most of the time I don't mind getting older so much but some of the things that come with it chafe my skin. Not thrilled about the mystery aches, the change in metabolism and hairline. Been saying this crap for years and haven't ever taken the time to deal with them the way I could, talk a good game but...
Spent part of this morning cooking boneless chicken breast, not necessarily the most spiritual thing but it had to be done. Done a lot of had to be done lately which is probably why I said fuck it and bought my tablet yesterday.
Thus far I love it, LOVE IT.
Probably tied into my stress because technically I should have waited but then again technically I don't know what tomorrow will bring and sometimes you just have to live. Some might argue you just have to love and live. That is what I am trying to do, love and live.
Most of the time that works very well for me. I am good at it, but every now and then I get a bit frustrated that I can't just do what I want. Can't just take my woman and spend time with her and just live. Can't just live the way I want because I have to account for so many others.
Won't stop me from loving you or taking advantage of the time we have. Won't see me rationalizing things by saying it helps keep things special between us because that only goes so far with me. I am sure it does help some but it is not the motor.
That is not what helps our relationship live, thrive and grow. Never has been.
You and I are the same and so very different. That is good. It is a big part of what helps us and keeps us going. Provides a bit of spice, some passion and balance.
What I know for certain is nothing and everything. I see things in you that you can't see and I expect you see me the same way. We let each other get away with things no one else can and it is not something either of us can really explain.
Nor should we be able to.
Isn't that part of the magic, not really being able to describe things.
I just know every time I kiss you if I open my eyes I see you looking back at me and we just know.
Short Of The Mark
Sometimes the words fall short of the mark. Sometimes I don't quite hit the spot I am aiming for and I find myself frustrated and flustered because what should be easy becomes difficult and I can't figure out why.
Don't know why the simple things are complex and the complex sometimes simple, just that they are. I go walking around trying to figure out how things are constructed and what serves as the motor and creates the motion.
I see layers upon layers and marvel at the complexity of it all. Look back at the past and see that what once was has always been. Technology or not relationships have never been anything but as they are.
There are those that love and love, those that love and lose and those that just love. Nothing is different from the time of the pharaohs to now. Man loved woman, woman loved man and sometimes they just kept each other company.
Sometimes it was better to have a warm bed and sometimes it was because they liked the person so much they couldn't help love them. Sometimes they learned they didn't have to like all of them and that it was almost better to have pieces and parts that didn't completely mesh because the friction created a warm feeling that helped them work.
And they remembered that work wasn't a pejorative term or something that was bad. It was part of the motor, the engine that helped keep them coming back together over and over again.
And they liked and loved each other very much because they recognized that even though sometimes it required work most of the time it did not. It was natural, normal and nice.
And sometimes the best thing about loving another are the moments where you aren't going crazy because they aren't close but when you are relaxed because you just know you have found the person that helps complete you and adds to the purpose you feel upon waking.
Don't know why the simple things are complex and the complex sometimes simple, just that they are. I go walking around trying to figure out how things are constructed and what serves as the motor and creates the motion.
I see layers upon layers and marvel at the complexity of it all. Look back at the past and see that what once was has always been. Technology or not relationships have never been anything but as they are.
There are those that love and love, those that love and lose and those that just love. Nothing is different from the time of the pharaohs to now. Man loved woman, woman loved man and sometimes they just kept each other company.
Sometimes it was better to have a warm bed and sometimes it was because they liked the person so much they couldn't help love them. Sometimes they learned they didn't have to like all of them and that it was almost better to have pieces and parts that didn't completely mesh because the friction created a warm feeling that helped them work.
And they remembered that work wasn't a pejorative term or something that was bad. It was part of the motor, the engine that helped keep them coming back together over and over again.
And they liked and loved each other very much because they recognized that even though sometimes it required work most of the time it did not. It was natural, normal and nice.
And sometimes the best thing about loving another are the moments where you aren't going crazy because they aren't close but when you are relaxed because you just know you have found the person that helps complete you and adds to the purpose you feel upon waking.
Reflections Of "OUR" Life
Dear Juneleh,
I am listening to Marmalade and thinking about how very lucky I am to have you in my life and how excited I am to finally celebrate your birthday together. After a thousand years we'll be able to say that we spent time together on both of our birthdays, hard to believe.
Today I almost got a blanket for you. It was going to be your birthday gift. I wanted to give it to you and to tell you that any time you felt lost, cold or out of sorts to wrap yourself in it because it would serve as my arms when I wasn't able to be with you.
Didn't do it because I wasn't sure if you'd really like it or not. Thought you'd like the sentiment but decided that I just wasn't certain so I didn't do it.
Saw a bunch of things I wanted to get for you. Some of them just aren't things I can give you right now for obvious reasons and some are things that I hope to do one day.
Listening to Johnny sing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face and thinking about how magical this has been and how in spite of everything it continues to be. Don't ever doubt us or anything about us.'
Don't give in to anger or sorrow and try to convince yourself that what we have is anything other than it is. When hard times come let them into your heart and remember it hurts because we figured out how to get back that thing that makes two people more than just one. We see things in each other that no one else does and share what no one else is allowed.
I know how you think so don't go to that place where you think this is me trying to say goodbye or to prepare you for anything because it is not. It is just me opening my heart and sharing what I see and feel with you. It is just a boy telling a girl he loves and cherishes her because she helped him and he is grateful.
It is just a boy trying to say he wants to write words that will move his girl and make her feel special even when she might think she isn't or doesn't deserve to.
It is just a boy who is never bored with his girl. Sometimes he is frustrated and angry because she is a among the most difficult PITAs he has ever met but it is part of her charm and that doesn't scare him now or ever.
So birthday girl remember these things:
I love you.
I notice whenever you are not around.
You said I love you and kissed me first.
See you soon.
MLBF
I am listening to Marmalade and thinking about how very lucky I am to have you in my life and how excited I am to finally celebrate your birthday together. After a thousand years we'll be able to say that we spent time together on both of our birthdays, hard to believe.
Today I almost got a blanket for you. It was going to be your birthday gift. I wanted to give it to you and to tell you that any time you felt lost, cold or out of sorts to wrap yourself in it because it would serve as my arms when I wasn't able to be with you.
Didn't do it because I wasn't sure if you'd really like it or not. Thought you'd like the sentiment but decided that I just wasn't certain so I didn't do it.
Saw a bunch of things I wanted to get for you. Some of them just aren't things I can give you right now for obvious reasons and some are things that I hope to do one day.
Listening to Johnny sing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face and thinking about how magical this has been and how in spite of everything it continues to be. Don't ever doubt us or anything about us.'
Don't give in to anger or sorrow and try to convince yourself that what we have is anything other than it is. When hard times come let them into your heart and remember it hurts because we figured out how to get back that thing that makes two people more than just one. We see things in each other that no one else does and share what no one else is allowed.
I know how you think so don't go to that place where you think this is me trying to say goodbye or to prepare you for anything because it is not. It is just me opening my heart and sharing what I see and feel with you. It is just a boy telling a girl he loves and cherishes her because she helped him and he is grateful.
It is just a boy trying to say he wants to write words that will move his girl and make her feel special even when she might think she isn't or doesn't deserve to.
It is just a boy who is never bored with his girl. Sometimes he is frustrated and angry because she is a among the most difficult PITAs he has ever met but it is part of her charm and that doesn't scare him now or ever.
So birthday girl remember these things:
I love you.
I notice whenever you are not around.
You said I love you and kissed me first.
See you soon.
MLBF
