Things To Do With And To You

Dear Juneleh,

I have a long list of things I want to do with you and a short list of what I want to do to you. Probably worth mentioning I see them all as being fun and think you will to. In spite of all of the craziness we have dealt with fun is one of the primary words I use to describe us.

When you have too much time on your hands as I do you find yourself thinking about anything and everything. What I find most frustrating about it all is I find myself wondering why I haven't managed to accomplish more than I have during it all because it feels like I could have done more.

I feel like I could have or should have exercised more but then again I have been tied to the phone, computer and electronics in general because resolving the biggest issue of all requires extensive time there.

Sent out around 2,000 applications and had a fair amount of feedback but haven't closed anything yet. Been trying to analyze the reason for failure and haven't been able to do it with the sort of accuracy I want because I don't have access to honest responses.

Heard from a few that things are on hold and that no decisions have been made. That almost makes me crazier because it is not a no, it is just a not now. I am real familiar with 'not now.' I know that intimately.

I am battered and bruised and impatient. Some things are setting me off when they never would bother me and I am fighting to hold it all together. There is a part of me that wants to say 'fuck it' and start burning and blowing up bridges like Sherman burning down Atlanta.

Like that guy out your way who told me I sounded like the perfect candidate and asked me three times how soon I could be there. The dude said he would call and just disappeared. WTF is up with that.

If you don't like me or think I am the right fit it is fine to say so. I am a grown up, be straight but so many people don't. They don't bother to respond, they just disappear. Pisses me off because if they decide they need me they'll expect me to drop everything.

But though I may be in the hole I will not lie down and make it home. Going to climb out, one way or another.

And my beautiful girl, that reminds me I have been thinking about your arm. I have some ideas for how to fix that. Mainly the same stuff I mentioned before. I am curious about it because like I said I felt that knot in your shoulder blades before.

All I need is to get my hands on you to see if I can help relieve some of that pain. Hell if I get my hands on you I can do a lot more than that. Would love to kiss that mouth of yours and look in your eyes.

One of these days we'll get a shot again and maybe that will include a chance to travel. There is so much to see and do. There are stories that might end up on paper but I'd rather experience them with you first.

Holidaze

Got punched in the mouth today (not literally) by a couple of things. Under normal circumstances they would be irritating and nothing more, but today they feel soul crushing.

The kind of stuff where I look up at the ceiling and ask why I can't catch a break. This crap is slowly killing me, just death by a thousand paper cuts.

I hate feeling like this. I am not a negative person but this crap makes me feel like it is turning me into one. It can't keep going. I can't live like this anymore.

If I didn't have the imagination I do and the ridiculous gut feelings that keep me going I would be in serious trouble. Life is unfair, but you know that. All we get to do is choose how to act or react to what happens.

Wish I was with my pepper pike. ;) Hope your holiday is great.

P.S. You know how FB suggests people you know as potential friends? Well it just suggested I send a request to your cousin, one who shares a friend in common with me. They are still in contact with you. Think business card.

Might Post Twice Today

Babeleh, I might post twice here today, depends on how things go but I think I had a dream about peppering your pike.

It made me think of this:

Wasn't going to send you anything, but went with
the gut 'cuz that's what this board is about.

 When you think of me, I think of you.

Be well Juneleh and I'll see you on the other side.

We have been through quite a bit woman, haven't we. It might not have gone exactly as we wanted, planned or would have liked but through it all we always seem to find each other again.

That means something to me and I suppose it is tied into why I love you now and have for so many years.

We may make each other crazy sometimes but the good outweighs the bad by an overwhelming amount.

It is not even close.

Damn, if I don't want to hug and kiss you now.

More than A Decade

I know a woman who has received more than a decade of love letters. Methinks she might get a few more....maybe and not just because I know where her legs are going to be either.

But for no other reason than just because.

There is an image in my mind now, a very specific image of a time yet to come. You may think you know what that picture is of, but I am not certain you do.

Do you remember when you first realized we had fallen in love? Did you mark it down in a journal or give it a place inside your head all its own.

Incidentally that is not tied into the image in my head, that is something else.

Got lots of thoughts floating around and one day I might share, but not here, at least not today or not now.

Might not be fair for me to leave you wondering if it is a sexual thought or something as simple as saying I love you, but life isn't always fair, now is it. :)

What Sundays Are For

Not a Sunday goes by where I don't think about what Sundays are for.

Sundays are for making love to my girl. They are for taking time with my Juneleh and connecting in every way.

Some of my favorite moments and memories come from those times and I hope to be lucky enough to have many more of them.

If my gut is right and it is hasn't betrayed me there will be big changes for me soon but I am not sure because every other time in recent memory that I have felt this way things have fallen apart. This frustrates me to no end and it makes me both sad and angry.

Moments like this make me question so much and I can't help but wonder what the hell is wrong with me. The second guessing doesn't last very long because something always happens that convinces me that my situation isn't solely because of things I have done.

But that doesn't always serve as real solace because it is hard not to ask what is my obligation and may responsibility in all of this. It is hard not to say that maybe if I had done A, B or C I wouldn't be in this moment.

I am exhausted by it. The constant stress and feeling that I am always responsible for all of the heavy lifting is driving me insane.

So you might say that one of the reasons I want you wrapped around me is because it would help relieve my stress and that would be true. But it would also be true if I had little to no pressure now because I always feel better when you are around.

And just to set the record straight not only did you kiss me first, you also told me you loved me first too...Cougar girl. :)

Pinched Nerves

If I told you the best way to relieve a pinched nerve was to put your legs over my shoulders and let me drive I wouldn't be surprised if you rolled your eyes or said yes.

And yeah, I would quote the line from Astrology from years ago that said a smart Virgo listens to her Taurus because he can heal her when no one else can. I know I have that saved in an email somewhere but I didn't feel like looking so I Googled a few things and came up with

This couple are, first and foremost, good friends. They sincerely like one another, which is always a good thing for love to blossom. For all Virgo is the Healer of the zodiac, she sometimes struggles to heal her own nerves, but steady Taurus reassures her. Meanwhile, solid, sensible, dependable Taurus is captivated by Virgo’s mercurial mind. Each partner senses something they lack which can be made whole by the other, but their basic earthy nature remain similar enough for them to sympathise with one another. Virgo and Taurus compatibility is based on this similarity of nature, and ensures that there are few nasty surprises for this couple.

Sexually, there is a lot of potential here.

And

If you are in love with a Taurus, hold on to your sweetheart -- this is a magical combination. Each of you knows intuitively what makes the other tick, and how to make the other feel safe and secure. 

This still makes sense to me.

I think we trust each other more than anyone else. When we are upset or concerned with something I know we still prefer to find each other to lean upon.

It might not always happen, but given the choice I have no doubt which direction we turn. It is interesting becaue I don't thinkl you like having to lean on anyone else any more than I do. It irks me, I prefer to handle all of my stuff because I trust myself to make sure it is done right.

Makes me laugh typing that because I can hear you say the same thing, except about yourself. But the thing is we can let our guard down and give the other that sort of control.

And June, I am serious about knowing exactly where those knots in your shoulder blades are. You probably have them on both sides. If I were there I'd work on massaging them out. Everything is connected and when you try to move your arm that muscle is pulling against the knot.

It is kind of like a giant ball of string. You take one part and try to pull the thread but it is stuck inside so you have to really yank on it to get it to come out. Except you can't do that with your arm without causing pain.

You are not made for yanking, pounding, but not yanking. ;)

I know how to take care of you woman, always have and always will.

Rhyme and Reason

Might have dreamed about you last night or some other time. Might have remembered holding your hand and kissing your lips.

Yeah, might have been that and might have been other things. Might have been memories of the moments in which we stopped the world and made it our own.

Days in which we couldn't imagine life without each other and the days when  all we did was work on forgetting each other.

I don't know if any love story is perfection but there are pieces of perfection in ours and if I knew how I would take those moments from my mind and place them on a film strip.

I'd play that movie for you and watch it unfold again. It is not hard to picture us sitting on the couch, holding hands and watching what we experienced play for us.

They say only a fool chases the moon because it can't be captured or controlled but I have never been the guy who listens to those people. Maybe it is because of you and how I know we caught lightning in a bottle.

We didn't just do it once because it happened a few times. Enough for me to be just crazy enough that the improbable might actually be probable. And every time I ever thought we got as much as we could ever get life showed me that it didn't have to be that way.

The gift we were given called out to me and I followed the siren song because I couldn't risk not knowing if it was fate or folly. Fire may burn but it also warms hearts and when you have sat close enough to know the difference you do what you must.

When you touch me with your fingers,
My cares and worries vanish
Like the morning dew before the rising sun,
When your eyes tell me you love me,
Then my soul is filled with wonder
And my love for you will live when life is done.
Gentle Annie, Gentle Annie,
And my love for you
Will live when life is done.

The Next Thing

Glad you are back. I didn't like having you so far away. Sounds silly to say and to write given reality but it is true.

Was nice to see the pictures and I look forward to hearing more about it all. Seems like it was an incredible trip, I really need to get back.

Of course I really need to take care of some very pressing issues here first. Can't believe all that has gone on has as long as it has. Makes a guy question himself and yet I find myself feeling like this is just a short hiccup in time.

A short hiccup before things fall into place and the rest of my life starts to get moving. Hope it happens soon because this other part sucks, makes me a a bit nervous. Hard not to question myself and wonder what I did to deserve all this and yet at the same time I have this crazy unquestioning belief.

So damn surreal.

Did I say I missed you, probably shouldn't but I did.

Someday I hope to look back at these moments and laugh. I could use a hug.

A Quick Blurb

Don't know if you read the post before this or not. It is not an example of my best writing, just sharing it.

Mostly sharing that I really am excited for you but it feels like you are going to be so far away. Makes me wonder if you ever feel like that when I travel. Of course I barely travel and haven't gone nearly as far so it is not really much of a question.

Either way I think it is going to be an incredible trip and you'll have a fantastic time. I'll probably shoot you a text before you leave but just in case it doesn't happen this is proof that the night before you leave I am thinking about you.

Also thinking about all of the spinning plates I am juggling. As in my world if I don't do the heavy lifting it won't get done the right way so I am working extra hard to take care of that. Part of the goal here is to set things up so that I haven't as many issues if I have to make changes again.

But changes are coming either way, no doubt or question about that. I am done with how things are and I am going to shake  the damn box hard and get things moving. Kind of exciting and kind of scary.

Have fun and be safe. MLBF.

Not Very Tall

I almost responded to your not very tall remark with the standard 'I am big enough in all the important places' but decided not to because we already know the answer.

Life feels as crazy as ever and I am hopeful that my gut is right about what I think is going to happen. Because if something doesn't come through soon I am really going to lose my mind, assuming I haven't lost it already.

If things do happen as I suspect I'll have to move quickly again and though I am very excited about it there is always the uncertainty that comes from new starts, especially when you are not entirely sure where that could be.

Wonder if my old place is available.

Anyway none of that may happen so it is premature to worry about it but it is easier than thinking about what could be if nothing comes through.

This has been so much harder than I ever would have expected. It has aged me but I'll come out the other side as I always do.

Still hate that you're going without me.

So There Is This

It makes me a bit uncomfortable knowing you are going to be so far away. That might sound ridiculous to you especially because it is not like I can just run over today but the thing is, I could get there in a very short time.

If there was a need or a reason I could do it.

And truthfully I could do the same next week or the week after. Got plenty of resources so if you needed help I could be a part of that but it feels funny to me any how.

And maybe it is funny for me to say this, Maybe it is weird or awkward but I don't really care. It is not because I think you are incapable of handling things yourself. I have complete faith and trust there but that doesn't mean I don't like knowing I could do something.

Damn woman, you turned life upside down and inside out. But I suppose I did that too. :) That is the problem with love, world is easier without it but a lot colder.

Take lots of pictures.