Waiting

Dear June,

You know that I go back and forth about whether life is made up of random events or if the universe works in some sort of mysterious way to make certain things happen. At the moment I am agnostic about it.

What I can tell you is that when I look back to the beginning I see a thread that starts back on the board and continues all the way to this very moment. The funny thing about it is that I don't have to do anything to manipulate things at all to come to this place.

It is just obvious to me. It sticks out like a sore thumb and I can't help but shake my head and smile. This thing that I am waiting to hear about is huge and I am bursting at the seams. It is something that I have been working for but I didn't know it until relatively recently.

Blame upon being stubborn, slow or whatever. It doesn't really matter, what matters is that I figured it out and am so damn close to making it happen. That just blows me away. I am fighting hard not to be more excited than I am because I don't want to be disappointed if it doesn't happen.

But I know that I did my best and that I have done all that I can do to make this happen. That is important to me. It makes it easier to sleep knowing that I gave it all that I had and that I have come so far.

The next steps are out of my hands and all I can do is wait. Damn, why aren't you here to help relax me. ;)

You need it, I need it and dammit, we deserve it. 

One day, maybe sooner than later.

Ok, I know you are curious about all this...George but I am not saying anything more than I have. Not yet.

What Comes Next

Hello babeleh,

I didn't bring the laptop with me on the plane this time and didn't feel like posting from the phone. It is a bit of a task and I wanted to just decompress.

Flew a boatload of miles for a meeting that went well, I think. I did my best to answer questions and demonstrate what needed to be demonstrated. Got to turn in something else and wait to hear what comes of this.

Got a pretty good feeling about it all, but you never know. If it comes through it could be very big. Long flight home on a very crowded plane. Tired, but excited.

Waved when the plane passed over your place.

Got to run now curious girl, the echoes of the future demand that I answer and I have learned not to ignore those.

Cuz somewhere down the road there might be weekends in New England, but only you Makem...Tommy. ;)

Odds and Ends

It is almost midnight and I am listening to whatever comes through on the shuffle. The Dixie Chicks are singing Not Ready to Make Nice and part of it really resonates with me:

"I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying"

I paid my price and I will keep paying for no other reason than I can't go back. I made the choices I made and for better or for worse I ended up in this place.

It is not necessarily a bad spot. Fact is that it looks like I am about to make a really big change and do something with my life that I never could have imagined, but am excited about it.
But I won't lie and say that I am not nervous because I am. But you know that I have always said that sometimes you take the big risk for the big reward and this is big. This will change my life but I can't say to what extent.

Can't say because it is too early and too hard to predict. But baby, one day I want to tell you about this because you have been a part of it in so many ways. You have seen and know so much.

Getting on a plane in a few days so that I can go to a meeting. Chomping at the bit because so much is riding on this, but I am confident. I feel good. I know this stuff. I know what I am talking about and I have a vision of what I want to see.

My gut is singing this song that is so sweet but at the same time I have such an ache. Had me pounding on the wall the other day, but dammit I came out the other side because that is what I do.  And in a short time I hope to say that is what I have done.

Baby, if you could see me now. A little bit older, a little bit more weathered and hopefully wiser. Got to run now because I have more prep work to do and I need to get to bed before 4 am.

MLBF and I don't care whether you admit it or not you think about it.

The Future

Dear June,

Read back a few posts and you'll see I mentioned I might be heading out towards the old family homestead. Things have progressed and it has become a very strong possibility that it will happen.

I don't want to put the cart before the horse but there has been a lot of activity surrounding it so it has become a very strong possibility. I don't want to jinx it so I won't say much more than my blood better get thick quickly. Oh my.

If it comes through it will be the start of one giant adventure. It is surreal and exciting. Kind of funny while I was writing this Rhinestone Cowboy just started playing and the opening lyrics caught my attention:

I've been walkin' these streets so long
Singin' the same old song

There is a lot of truth in that. I have been walking these streets for almost forever and singing that same old song. No, not the one I sing to you. Get your mind out of the gutter woman, not like I grabbed your hips. ;)

Anyway, I hope to have some answers soon so that I can start the next part of my journey.

Music just changed and now I am listening to Sir Paul sing Let 'Em In

Someone's knockin' at the door
somebody's ringin' the bell
Someone's knockin' at the door
somebody's ringin' the bell
Do me a favour open the door and let'em in.

Call that coincidence or call it a sign, either way is good for me. Change isn't coming, change is happening now. Lots more to tell you about...someday.

One Kiss

Baby, do you remember our first kiss. Actually I am sure that you do. I am curious to see it through your eyes. Curious to see what it looks like and what it felt like. One kiss changed a million things. Can't believe how much has happened and how different life is.

Changes keep coming and I keep wondering when it is going to slow down...if ever. Surely it has to slow down for a bit. Not particularly worried about it all because I'll figure it out but sometimes it is strange to realize just how different I am now.

And yet I am more who I was than I have ever been. Guess all this has just helped to remind me what is most important to me in a more focused way than ever before.

I see you. Do you see me.

Would You Like To Hear A Story

Dear June,

Would you like to hear a story? Close your eyes and think about my voice. It is early in the morning and there is that extra rumble to it.

You remember the one, you know it was a couple of octaves lower- made you feel all tingly in the right places.

Think about my hands roaming around and my lips doing what they do. Imagine that really deep feeling we used to get

And then think about all we once discussed and the dreams we had. Think about what would happen if you let yourself believe that it really could happen.

You are back here again because you are almost willing to let go and believe. You won't admit it yet, and you might not even have admitted it to yourself, but you are there. Sweetheart, I am not kidding when I say that I have lots of new stories for you.

And I am sure that you have more than a few new ones to share with me. One day, just you wait and see...If you are lucky that is... ;)

Long Legs

Hello Baby,

Oops, did I call you baby out loud. Did I say something that suggests that we aren't just friends. Damn, I hate when I do that. But then again I don't believe you when you say that any way.

I am sure that you have figured that out already and whether you admit it or not your math abilities and soprano voice know that one day you'll find yourself looking up at me again for no other reason than I say so.

Woohoo. I am laughing but in a good way, air sucker.

Played ball last night and man did I have a good run. Felt like I was in my twenties and moved like it too. This morning was a bit rough, but once I showered and got moving things fell right into place. Must admit that my arms look like hell, lots of bruises, but they are scattered across muscle.

Been lifting pretty steadily, they are more cut than the last time you saw them. Heck most of me is like that. Just need to do a better job with my diet and things will really get moving for me. Still if we are ever trapped in the woods you have no reason to fear.

The bears and the wolves have no chance against me when I am hungry. Tell the deers to clear the hell out because I am fast, mean and hungry. Just think baby, we could use a bearskin rug in front of a fire. Snow falling outside...

Did I mention I have an interview with a company based in the midwest. It is near my family's hometown. Not quite there, but close. Oh holy hell, I am not ready for cold, but I don't have the job yet so I won't worry. Had a couple of things near your neck of the woods too.

So far nothing has fallen into place, but sooner or later it will. Just shredded old files from 2002-2006. Couldn't have pictured things being like this now, wonder what they will look like in a few years.

Here I am, one week into a new year. Another prime number, as opposed to my girl who is much, much older than I am.

So my deal older girl, one more thing to mention before I go and it is not how I am going to take you again. I would like to write a story with you.

See you around...

Timing, Movies And More

Dear Juneleh,

Tuesday afternoon has arrived and I am in dire need of a cup of coffee. My thoughts are a million miles away and about a million different things.

But at the moment I am semi focused upon timing, movies and people. Been listening to the theme to Inception. I love it. I thought that the movie was pretty good too. Did you ever see it?

I have been think about stories for obvious reasons and trying to figure out the best way to build one. That old comment about truth being stranger than fiction is spot on.

I am reading this book by Mitch Albom now. I am most of the way through it. It is interesting and I am enjoying it. Golden Slumbers is playing right now and I can't help but think about how appropriate it is.

The next time I find you lying underneath me I think we'll have to have another conversation about this, that and the other thing. Mostly nothing and mostly everything. That connection never goes away completely, now does it.

In the name of science you need to sleep with me again. We need to see what happens. Ok, I know what is going to happen and so do you but you won't accept it until you experience it again. Ah, nothing like a silly, stubborn woman who thinks she is logical when she isn't,

You should see the bruise on my left arm. It is enormous. I am surprised that it doesn't hurt more than it does. It happened last week, but it took a few days to "bloom."

The Beatles have moved on to The End.

"In the end the love you take
 is equal to the love you make"

My writing is coming along. I feel like I am just getting started. I feel like I am just figuring it all out. Some of the joy that comes from walking through hell covered in gasoline, but I can deal.

I am not who I was and not yet who I will become. Still I am just a boy talking to a girl. Come here and I will grab your hips and then some.

You still need a good spanking. Pull on your hair a little bit too, not too hard but enough to let you know I am around. Although I think it is safe to say that you won't ever forget me.

Ok Juneleh, back to the salt mines I go.

Try not to think of me. Hee hee, that is impossible for you.

A Quickie

Dear Sweet Juneleh,

Jammed for time so this will be short which is probably ok because you will read it twice because that is just what you do and you are probably busy betting ready for Mother's Day.

Or maybe not. Maybe you'll get the day off which would be nice for you but somehow I doubt it. Anyway I sent an app in to a company that makes something we once talked about using. They need someone to help market their products.

I laughed when I came across the listing and couldn't help but think of you. It is tied into your favorite position.

Stumbled onto an article that says Software Engineers will work for English majors that I thought might be of interest too.

It is fair to say that I am willing to do a lot of crazy stuff but I don't know about this.

Got a list of songs that contains a bunch I know you like.

You need a hug and some loving. Don't deny, just accept, submit and repeat. ;)

See you on the other side.

The Way We Were

Don't know why I picked The Way We Were for a headline because that is not who I want us to be. I am not looking to turn back the clock because it can't be done.

We can't go back as far in time as I would want us to. We can't do all that we dreamed of doing and I am ok with that. I don't like it, but I am ok with it because there are no other options. And when there are no other options you play the cards you are dealt.

Your message to me meant far more than you realize. It came at a particularly good time. The guys asked me why I was smiling and I said I didn't know what they were talking about.

I really didn't. One of them threw a ball at me and told me that I looked like I had just been taken care of. I had to laugh at that. If they only knew.

Because I know things. I still don't buy what you have been selling. Still know that you need a good spanking and that if you submit I can make you feel what you haven't felt.

You see when I talk about not going back in time it is because I have come to the conclusion that the future makes much more sense and that all we have been through, all that we have experienced can make it so much more sweet and far more meaningful.

Won't make any predictions...even though I could. Won't predict things even though I know things. Our favorite host from Family Feud would call out "survey says" and find my answer, no red X for me.

Ah, my dear sweet Juneleh, we are around four years since we last saw each other in person, aren't we. I bet you remember it all. I bet you remember the details just as I do.

Life is one hell of a quirky bitch. Got to tell you that I am still in hell, but I will find a way through it because that is just what I do.

Got so many stories to tell you, so many things to share with you. There is a big bright future out there, but I am only partially focused upon that.

Still smiling at the idea of wearing you out...again. Just you wait and see. Remember when you think of me I am thinking of you.

See you on the other side.

Old Posts

Hello sweetheart,

Don't know if I mean that or if I call you it out of habit. Not going to really spend any time thinking about it, hippie girl.

Signed into this joint and saw a ton of old posts that I moved into draft. Apparently if I take them out of draft and make them live again they show up as if they are brand new. Some sort of time stamp issue I suppose, but I don't have the desire to figure it out.

Besides you haven't voiced any concern about them anyhow, so I figure there is no rush to change their status. Speaking of status I'd like to see you on all fours again, you are kind of cute that way. Kind of like you on your knees too or your back.

Hah, I know you are busy rolling your eyes and making some crack about it never happening again but that is not necessarily true. Not because I can close my eyes and see you in those positions any time I want but because there is a quantum connection here that you can't get around and neither can I.

Yep, math and science have come to play tonight, last night and tomorrow night. There is some sort of higgity jiggity type of formula that we don't quite understand but it impact us both which is why we are still here.

So I was thinking that we ought to make some time for me to brush your hair and have a little conversation about this and that.

Or maybe not. Maybe we can just never walk away and never talk again. Pretend that we never knew each other and never had a damn thing between us. Maybe we can convince ourselves that it was just a dream and nothing more than that.

Kind of a funny thought to me because if there is one thing I know about you it is that you won't ever forget about me. Anyway, girl who used to be mine I'll tell you again that I miss you and I miss us. Doesn't mean that I am not ok or that I can't move on but it doesn't mean that I have to either.

I do things in my time and well that gypsy woman who sells love potion number 9 says that I need to just keep chasing you and that sooner or later you'll take my damn hand again.

Anyway, this song reminds me of you- not sure why but it does. Take care of yourself. See you back here real soon.